I first want to thank each of you who took the time to read my very first (of many) BLOGS… I was so overwhelmed by your response and I look forward to many more conversations, comments, and chats about my BLOGS to come.. I have always loved writing; in fact I am at the beginning stages of writing my first book! I am however, so very critical of my writing and often waaaay over think every sentence… books, magazines, blogs, the WORD of God have helped me and shaped me into the woman I am today. What really inspired me to write blogs was a conversation I had a few months ago with my cousin Monica… it was a conversation I had with her during one of the most challenging and tragic times of my life….
A few months ago, my husband and I found out we were pregnant!!!! It was the scariest, most amazing, feeling I had ever felt… I can remember it as if it were yesterday, me sitting in front of BJ (my hubby) holding a pregnancy test making sure I DID in fact see two lines. I was so surreal and so incredible. All I could do was laugh. I had always seen it on movies when the couple find out they are expecting and I had seen my friends and family experience this moment, but this time it was me. So many questions filled my mind; are we ready for this? Are we old enough to have babies? Is this going to forever change our lives? Are our parents going to freak out? For what seemed like forever, BJ and I sat in our living room and smiled, cried, and kept pinching ourselves because what we had just found out didn’t seem real. We prayed that God would watch over my body and that “no weapon formed against us would prosper.” We knew that this baby was so much more than just a child, but that it was a promise from God.
We wanted to tell our family first so we had to go back to work and pretend as if nothing life-changing had just happened moments ago. I, of course, immediately got online and began to read all about what was happening in my body, how big the baby was, etc… It was so much fun looking at all that was happening inside my body. BJ and I were on cloud 1000! My in-laws were out of town so we wanted to wait to tell them in person, which meant we had to wait to tell my parents and our friends… you know, it was impossible to keep such amazing news a secret so we told our closest friends. It was so amazing seeing their faces when we told them.
A few days later, I experienced some spotting and it was like a huge wave of fear came over me. I immediately told BJ what was a matter. I knew something wasn’t right. When I told him what was happening we both decided we were not going to jump to any conclusions and run to the hospital. We didn’t want to start this pregnancy off in fear. We had our first appointment just a few days later and so we decided to wait until then to speak with a doctor. Out of all the emotions we had experienced throughout those few days, not one time did I fear something was going to happen to my baby. I continued to pray and believe for the very best. I have always had strong faith in God, and not someone who is fearful. That Sunday morning, I went to church, but left during the service with severe cramping. I knew something wasn’t right so we decided to go to the Emergency Room.
It was like a really bad dream that I couldn’t get out of. Doctors and nurses coming in and out of the room where I was, drawing blood, running tests; all saying something was wrong without saying anything. The whole time we prayed and declared God’s word over me and the baby. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that everything was going to be OK. The doctor came in and told us that I was going to have to go into emergency surgery because they believed that I was having a tubal pregnancy. I remember it as if it were yesterday, I looked at BJ and told him to call every person we knew to pray! As the doctors left us alone for a few, we prayed like we had never before and had NO DOUBT everything was going to work out.
It was a matter of moments and I was ready and prepped for surgery. It was so scary. I had never gone to the hospital for anything, never had an IV, so all of what was happening was so overwhelming. BJ called our family and friends. In one breath he announced that we were pregnant and in the other he told them why he was calling. A few of my friends and my pastor met me in the room before they sent me in for surgery. We prayed and believed God for the miraculous.
About an hour later I was coming out of surgery and I asked the doctor what happened. He told me that it was in fact a tubal pregnancy and that they had to remove the baby. The first thing that came out of my mouth was,
“I don’t understand.”
I was immediately reminded of a morning I spent praying a few months before that. I woke up one early morning crying. I didn’t know why I was crying, except I felt as though someone had passed away. I couldn’t shake it so I got up, made myself some coffee and began to pray. I started praying for my family, my friends, my husband, my life, etc and all of a sudden the only words that came out of my mouth was
“I Trust You”
I kept saying that over and over and over. So, as I was being taken out of the OR, I heard the Holy Spirit ask me, “Sarah, do you trust me?” and all that kept coming out of my mouth was, “Lord I trust you, Lord I trust you.” It didn’t make sense nor did I really want to say that I trusted God, but deep within me I did.
It was the hardest thing I had ever been through, and the most challenging time of my life. The days to come were difficult as I was not only healing physically, but also mentally and spiritually. I had moments where I was OK, and then moments where I would just cry. Our friends and family, our pastors and church family rallied behind us and were there for us every step of the way. They encouraged us and believed with us that all things were going to work out for our good. I remember one conversation in particular that I had with one of my friends and we got on the topic of Job. We were talking about how Job went through so much trial and that he lost everything, but God gave him double. I had heard this story many times and I usually talked about it when someone was going through a tough time. We so often use it to encourage people that God is faithful and that he will give us more! But at that time of my life I saw this story so differently. I asked my friend, “what if Job didn’t want double, but he just wanted what he had?” What was so significant about God giving Job double and not so significant about him just letting him have what he had? What was the purpose of allowing what happened to us take place. I knew that God was able to prevent what happened to us but he allowed it…why?
In my next blog I will continue on this thought and show why things don’t always make sense, but how they ALWAYS work together for OUR GOOD!
* I write my story in detail because what I have gone through shouldn’t remain a secret but instead it should be shared… God has brought me sooo far from when this stroy took place, and even writing about it makes it all seem so real and very emotional again. Thank you for reading my story… can’t wait for next week’s BLOG!